It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!!!!

Kent McKamy sent along a worthy and illustrated groooaaannnn to start your week!!!!! Enjoy!!!!!

This is the story of the poor blonde girl flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She breathes a small sigh of relief and answers, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me: Our Father . . . Who art in Heaven . . ."


Happy Blogging and Happy Memorial Day!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!!

Here are few one-liners that should keep y'all grooooaaannning until next week!!!!!

* I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

* This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

* Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

* When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

* What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

* England has no kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.

* All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

And last but certainly not least: Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Happy Blogging!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

Here's a rather long and a tad quirky grooooaaannnn to start your week! Enjoy!!!!!

An octopus walks into a Pub and asks for a pint, the surprised landlord exclaims, "My God a talking octopus!"

The octopus replies "Yeah, I'm working on the building site across the road. I'll be in every day ay lunch time for the next two weeks for a pint"

"Fine" says the Landlord, and says no more about it.

The next day the circus comes to town, and the ringmaster drops into the pub for a pint. The landlord says, "I've got just the thing for you, mate! There's a talking octopus that comes in here for a pint every lunchtime. If you like, when I see him I'll tell him that you are interested in him."

"Oh definitely" says the ringmaster, "Tell him to get in touch as soon as possible!"

Without fail the octopus pops in that lunchtime for his pint. The landlord tells the octopus about the ringmaster's interest in him.

The octopus asks "A circus? That's a tent isn't it?"

"Yes" replies the Landlord.

"It's made of canvas isn't it, with big red stripes on?" inquires the octopus.

"Yes, that's right, you've got it!" answers the landlord excitedly.

"But," says the octopus "What in the hell do they want with a plasterer?


Happy Blogging!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

Here's a truly stellar -- albeit long -- groooaaann that's been languishing in the archives. Enjoy!!!!!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea -- one called Justin and the other called
Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to
Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a
shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious
cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold,
Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam
away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply
swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that
his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out
swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't
believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he
is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail -- it's much worse.) Looking around the
gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he
asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate
the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

"Christian replied 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark,
the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back, 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed . . . "

(wait for it)





....."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian".


(The Kay ducks and runs for cover)

Happy Blogging!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!! (Easter Week Edition)

Here's a grooooaaannn that is prolly older than all of us but I still crack up when I see it in the hallowed and holy archives here at Kay's Krisis Center & Klinic. Enjoy!!!!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops,

turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

(Are y'all ready for this?)

(Are y'all sure?)



(OK, here it is)

It reads:

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." 

(The Kay hobbles for cover!)

Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Blogging!!!!! 

Kay

 

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!! (St. Paddy's Edition)

Yeah, it's late but St. Paddy's groooaaannns are always fun!!! Enjoy!!!!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!


Have a great day!!!!!!!!

Happy Blogging!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

Here are a few very punny riddles.  Enjoy!!!!!!!!

"Where did Anastasia go?" 

"I don't know. She's always Romanoff."

Why did the pig quit running the marathon? 

He had a problem with his hamstring.

Did you hear of the story about the tornado? 

There'is a twist at the end.

How winter coats are insulated? 

They are down loaded.

What kind of snake helps prevent body odor? 

The pit viper.

Hope y'all are having a great day!!!!!!

Happy Blogging!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

This is prolly one of the worst grooooaaannnsssss I've seen in a long time!!! I love it!!!!

I don't know how to put on a helmet -- the whole idea goes right over my head.

(The Kay runs and ducks for cover!!!)

Happy Blogging!!!!!

Kay

It;'s the Groaner of the Week!!!!!

It occurred to me yesterday that 2012 was a Leap Year and that today should celebrate that sooooo I went a-hunting for Leap Year groaner for your pleasure. Sadly, my search was in vain. However, I found a truly excellent grooaaannn for your . . . er . . . ah . . . pleasure. Enjoy!!!!

Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here.

A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who are you?"

She replies : "Buffet, the vampire slayer."

Happy Blogging!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!! (Presidents' Day Edition)

It ain't easy to find Presidents' Day groaners but I found a couple. I'm not saying that they're good . . . but they more or less meet the criteria. You have been warned.

* Teacher: "John, do you know Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?"
Student: "No, Miss Frump. I thought he lived in Washington!"

* Q: What do you call George Washington's false teeth?
A: Presidentures!

* Q: Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A: Because he couldn't lie.

* A man was sitting at the bar during a costume party when someone went up to him and said, “Hey, I thought you were supposed to dress up in something that symbolized your love life?”

The man answered, “I am.”
The other guy said, “You look like Abe Lincoln.”
The man said, “That’s right. My last 4 scores were 7 years ago.”

Happy Blogging!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!! (Valentine Edition)

Happy Valentines Day!!!!! Here are some very punny Valentine jokes

* What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
Be my Valenstein!

* What did the French chef give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a quiche!

* What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine’s Day?
I love you a ton!

* Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Absolutely. They're very scent-imental!


And here's my favorite Valentine's Day song from Old Blue Eyes for y'all to enjoy!!!



Happy Blogging!!!!!

Kay

It;'s the Groaner of the Week!!!!!

Here's a very punny grooooaaaan to start your week!!!!

Ten words, two commas, a punctuation mark, and a period stop all appeared in court yesterday and . . .

. . . they're due to be sentenced next week!

Happy Blogging!!!!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

I need a good groaaaaannnnnnnn today and I think y'all do, too!!! Frankly, these days all I have to do is look at a headline and I start groaning but I like like the kind that end in a giggle best, My blogging buddy , Ricky at Cause for Concern from from down on the river (aka Cincinatti) sent a couple worthy ones,

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "I'll have one for me and one for the road."


Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

Happy Blogging

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

Here ya go with an awesome offering from punster extraordinaire, Stan Kegel who has been keeping me laughing and groaning since my online infancy -- around 1988!

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?

The FDA refused to license it.

Seems it was habit-forming.

Happy Blogging!!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

I'm still buried but am beginning to see a glimmer at the end of the tunnel!!!! Hopefully, I'll be back to a reasonably regular blogging and visiting schedule soon!!!!!

It's Martin Luther King Day, but somehow I don't think a groaner in his honor would be appropriate, so I'll make a belated post on the great man later this week because God knows given the insanity going on in this country, we all really need a good (?) grooooaaaaannnn. I think Dr. King would appreciate that.

I tripped across this "gem" (eyes rolling) that an old friend sent along . . .

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

Happy Blogging!!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

Huge thanks to all y'all who came by yesterday for my blogoversary!!!!!

Cis from over at Word Tosser contributed this gem a while back.  Enjoy!!!!

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry!"' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you!" she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks...They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.  Do you treat every guy you meet this way?"

"No," she replied . . . .

"You just happened to catch my eye!"

Go ahead and groooaaannn -- and laugh!!! Y'all know you love it!!! 

Happy Blogging!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

There aren't a lot of New Year's groaners around but I thought this one a gem!!!!

A man started a tradition of taking his young son camping every New
Year's Eve. Since they lived in the South, though it still got cold on
New Year's Eve, it was not the biting cold of the North and, with the
older man and the young fellow bundled up warmly, the temperatures were
not unbearable. But the son didn't have the taste for camping and for
nature that his dad did.

Their equipment was on the primitive side: No air mattresses, for
example--they slept in plain old sleeping bags. And they slept inside
an old World War I army surplus tent.

Alas, one year the well-worn tent finally succumbed to a rip in the
canvas, and in the middle of the night a nocturnal bird got into the
tent, startling the son horribly. Frightened, he grabbed up his
backpack and sleeping bag, pulled his dad to his feet, and headed out
into the night, running toward where they had left their van.

"Wait!" said the father, mindful that the son was leaving something
behind. . .

"Should owled and quaint tents be forgot?"

Happy Blogging!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

Since Christmas is barely over, I thought y'all might like/identify with this little gem I tripped across. It's not really a groaner but I guaran-damn-tee y'all that I emitted a huge groan when I read #4!!!!


Stages of Christmas

When you consider Christmas, there are four stages in your life:-

1) You believe in Santa
2) You don't believe in Santa
3) You are Santa
4) You look like Santa

While we gals prolly don't look much like Santa, we can date him -- which is possibly as daunting as looking like him. Sigh.

Happy Blogging!!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

It's more Christmas grooooaaannnns!!!!  Enjoy!!!!  AND another shot of Straight No Chaser -- my favorite holiday group!!!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?.
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?.
They both drop their needles!

What's Christmas called in England?.
Yule Britannia!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?.
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?.
Because a little water ends both of them!

And here's more Straight No Chaser with their really fun rendition of a Christmas classic!! Enjoy!!!!



Happy Blogging and Happy Holidays!!!!

Kay

It's the Groaner of the Week!!!!

Here we go again!

'Tis the Season for Christmas groaners . . .


What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?Snowflakes.


Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

I've been hunting for Chanukah, Kwanzaa, etc. groooaaanns but have not  found any truly worthy ones, yet but I'm trying!!!!  Here's one of my favorite groups that cover it all!!!  Enjoy!!!!




Happy Blogging!!!!!

Kay