Alice of My Wintersong sent along this bawdy little number which should give y'all a bit of respite from the havoc that Election 2008 has been wreaking with your last nerve! You'll laugh, you'll groooaaannn and you might even cry!!!!!! Enjoy!!!!!
A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Wild Turkey. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blond slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blond leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. S o, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."
He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blond says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick!!! Hide!' I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me . . ."
The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now'."
"But by now the blond is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man that would have got me mad for sure!"
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me angry."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally get you steamed?"
"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."