(Since I'm still feeling like death -- but I am trying mightily to keep my promise to myself to post every day -- here's something I think is pretty cute that someone sent me long ago. Hope you enjoy it!)
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.
She's a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight mostly but, when I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And when I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and obliterating my gorgeous face & body. This is so rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She's really quite frightening!
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, noooooo! Once in a while I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but I think she's stealing money from me. I go the ATM and draw $100 and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady's pilfering from me. You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it!
And money isn't the only thing I think she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate, too, especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I just can't keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must really have a sweet tooth. But she'd better watch it because she's really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, she's tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going in my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit or messing with my files and papers so I can't find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.
She's found many imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can't see it. And she's done something sinister to the volume controls to my TV, radio and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things, like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting in and out of it is a real challenge. Furthermore, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
I don't even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It's so unattractive! And if that weren't enough, she's no longer confining her tactics to the house. She's found a way to sneak in my car and follow me everywhere. She's taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the same outfit and monopolizes the dressing room mirror. She looks totally ridiculous in it and keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my driver's license picture taken and, just as the shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me! Who's going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me?
She's walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't be too hasty. I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.